...i'd die for you... [entries|friends|calendar] Amanda ♥ [ website | Fictions ] [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

[09 Jul 2006|07:50pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [Warning: Major Complainage] Okay. I have this friend, Cassidy. She’s the only girl I hang out with because usually girls get on my nerves for various reasons. I put up with Cassidy. Saying I put up with her seems mean, right? Well. It’s true. She’s nineteen years old. Supposedly she worked at a Chinese restaurant here in town for a few months. She claims she quit voluntarily but when we were in there she was talking to someone she used to work with (a Chinese lady) and the lady was all “We don’t hire people that were terminated”. I wouldn’t put it past anyone for firing her. She’s so goddamned lazy. Her mother, the fantastic woman she is, has cut her off financially and vehicularly. I don’t blame her. She’s nineteen and refuses to work. But why work when everything you need gets handed to you through someone else – who you’re not even related to. I am guilty of this, too. When we’re hanging out I’ll pay for food; be it from a restaurant or fast food place. I’ll buy us drinks. I’ll buy us coffee. If I want something and she’s with me I buy double, because it would bother me to just buy for me. It’s gotten to the point where she’ll make little jokes where she asks for things, and tries to play it off as a joke. Like when I was buying shaving cream and it was on sale for fairly cheep she was all “You should get me one!” in a ‘joking’ tone. Which I did, because I didn’t want to say no. And I know I need to say no. But I have a hard time doing it. I’m going to stop. Her friend Brandon is guilty of this, more than me. He saved her dog from dying of Parvo. That’s a $1000 dollar procedure. I love Posch to death and I’m glad she’s alive. But, Cassidy should have got a job and paid him back every penny. But, like me, he never asks for the money. He gives her gas money for her gas guzzling 74 Ford. He buys her food, takes her out to the movies, buys her alcohol, and pays her cell phone bill which varies from $10-$30 dollars a month. If he and I stopped giving her money she would have to learn to make it on her own. Lets see. She claims that her uncle in Minnesota has a large sum of money in a bank account for her that is hers but she can’t touch it without his okay on the purchase. Bullshit. That’s her way of saying “I’m making it up and I have an excuse for why I’m always broke.” Or there’s the few horses she supposedly has. I’ve never seen them. Or the Banshee four-wheeler she supposedly had. She told me she had that when I told her I was interested in investing in one. I asked her where it was recently, and she said she sold it. Hm. I never saw it, the money from it, or any pictures or anything. They’re all lies. Or there’s her Dad who’s supposedly loaded. Okay, I’ve never met the man, so sure. Maybe. She leaves the 13th to go to Arizona to visit him and claims he said he’s going to buy her a car while she’s down there. She said she wants a GT 2005-6 Mustang or a BMW. Yea. Okay. There’s no way in hell her father, or anyone, is going to pitch out $40,000 on a car for their deadbeat nineteen year old daughter. But whatever helps her not feel like a loser, I guess. She has no life because she wont work, she hangs out with bad crowds, her mother is rightfully disappointed in her, and she has to try and make herself feel better because she’s a large girl with poor self esteem. Which would probably explain all of the guys she’s supposedly slept with. Any girl that’s comfortable with her body, appearance, and life wouldn’t talk about sleeping with multiple, sometimes completely random men. People do that when they want people to think that other people are sexually interested in them. Mind you, I’ve never really met any of the guys she’s been with. I’ve met one, who admitted to it. I asked another, who denied it. And I met another who used to have this itty bitty petite wife. I doubt he’d downgrade. I’m so frustrated. She’s gone for ten days and then supposedly moving with her mom back to Dallas (40 minute away). I told her I’m cutting her off financially. She gets as much of my income, that I work for, as I do, and I’m tired of it. What to do, how to do it, and what to say?! fjdlgfjklasjfkldasjfd |3 Secrets Tolds | Tell Me A Secret|

[28 Jun 2006|04:01am] So, it’s 4am and I should be sleeping, but I can’t. I just got off the phone with Jared. And I’m upset. He’s the guy I met when I was 15 and, since then, have developed a slightly stronger like for him that just a girlish crush. We had a fling months ago but since then we haven’t even mentioned it. And, that does bother me, but I still kind of kept my fingers crossed that we’d have one again if I was persistent and patient. At least three times a week he calls me while at work and we talk for a pretty long time just about crap and its’ nice. I thought it would help because the more we talk the more he can see my godo qualities – the qualities I’ve heard him list off about the girl of his dreams. It bothers me because those aspects are things I know I have – and not just make myself have for his approval. I don’t deal in the drama – I try to keep away from it and never bring it to him. I want something serious. I’ll drive nothing but a Ford. I like to get down and dirty. I’m not a gold digger. Everything like that. Tonight we were talking and apparently he’s seeing someone who just got out of a four year relationship. She’s living with him – which would explain why he hasn’t been inviting me over in the wee hours of the morning to hang out. I had to sit there and listen to him and wish him good luck and everything while deep down I hurt because I wonder why I’m not good enough. Why he didn’t want me And that really bothers me. Despite knowing that Jon loves me and might actually be serious again, and that he’s looking at flights out here for August.. I’m still upset that Jared fucking Webster doesn’t want me. // end |Tell Me A Secret|

[26 Jun 2006|01:05am] Warning: Drama I feel like creating a cardboard box around myself and Blaise and not coming out for anyone. I had an amazing time Memorial Day Weekend with Pinky. He’s an amazing guy, or at least that’s what I was beginning to think. But, a week after we came home – and had the best time I could have ever thought of – he stopped talking to me. Straight up, not talking what so ever and when we’re in the same room he kind of acts like I don’t exist and it was really bothering me there for a while. I confronted him on it the day I went back to get my pillow and he said it was just his new job stressing him out, and yet he still makes no effort to talk to me. So, screw him. I’m better than that. I don’t deserve to be treated like that. If he wants to talk to me he knows where to find me – I might still be here to talk, or not. But that’s something that he’ll have to deal with, not me. The same goes for the guy that lives in the apartment above Pinky, John. He’s a raging alcoholic at the age of 19, lives with a 29 year old who has bouts of stupidity, and is a great guy when he’s sober. Just this last weekend we were all attempting to go to the coast but because he was drinking everclear – which he was told not to bring – he was getting aggressive and, after he told us too numerous times, I let Cassidy drop him off in Philomath, 30 miles from Albany. I didn’t want to, and I ended up feeling the repercussions from the 29 year old who ended up going to pick him up despite me not being the one that was aging him on, but whatever. That’s just more immaturity and stupidity. No one stands to listen to reason, the truth, or the facts because no one around there knows how to speak the truth. And it’s getting annoying. They’re all going no where and I’ll be damned if I’m catching a ride with them. I met this guy that Cassidy initially met off of Myspace. He was really cool and we ended up making out; he was a good kisser so it was fun. But, as I usually do after my little meaningless flings, I felt kind of bad because it reminded me that I’m not looking for a new guy a night, I’m looking for the same guy for a while. I want something solid, stable, and serious, and I’m not going to find that in a guy that’s just looking for an easy lay – which I refuse to be considered. I have too much respect for myself to be considering a quick fuck. Not. Going. To. Happen. The End. Needless to say, after I told him I wasn’t comfortable with doing anything more than make out with groping over all layers of clothing he got upset and we aren’t currently talking. So, I decided to stop looking for that serious relationship because the harder I look the harder it’s hidden. And, the first day, that being today, that I decided to do this jon and I have a heart to heart via text messages. The conversation is below, word for word from the texts. ( Text Conversation Yo ) Now, I’m excited for him to be here but nervous all the same. I worry that this summer will play out just like this summer, save for the fact that I can stay over at Jon’s all night this time. Everything will be perfect, we’ll want to be together, he’ll leave, we’ll still be okay, and a few months after things will fall apart and I’ll be a mess. It’s sad to think about, and there is that chance that history will repeat its self, but I just can’t seem to tell myself to not try. I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I gave up on the hope that my first love will be my last. Anyway. Bed + me = the plan. |Tell Me A Secret|

Blah [17 Jun 2006|02:45am] [ mood | blah ] Alright. I’m all way emotionally confused. So, there’s a lot going on right now friends wise and it’s all one big pit of drama and upsetting blah stuff.. I went with Pinky to the sand dunes for Memorial Day Weekend and I have a blast. It was so much fun. I hit it off really well with the only other girl that went and there was no drama, lots of wheeling, some drinking (not on my part, really), and it was a blast. Pinky really likes(d?) me and yea. Anyway. Bean, Crystal, Mike, Pinky, me, and Nate were there. I met Nate on the gut when I was fifteen. He was twenty. I thought he was cute for about forty-eight hours, or until I realized how much of an asshole he was/could be. And, I didn’t really see him over the next two years. Well. The second night of camping I was sitting on the tailgate with him while he was drinking a bottle of beer and I was sipping from it. Pinky was getting shitty; Bean was shitty. So, I took a drink and he took the bottle and went “Look, look!” and he took a drink and when he was done he went “We just kissed.” So, me being the naturally sarcastic person I was, I asked him if it was good. It was way cute. He’s a very charming drunk. He then went to whisper in my ear that he wanted to kiss me, but we both knew we couldn’t in front of Pinky. I love Pinky to death; I consider(ed?) him to be one of my good friends. Anyway. We all started walking around the camp ground to see if there was another camp site still up and partying. We didn’t find any. Anyway, though, Nate and I were in the dark and he kissed me. Okay, no big woop. We all came back to the camp site and Pinky went to bed. Nate and I then went to make out on the tailgate. Woo. Yea, okay. Nothing big. And, he asks me if I want to sleep in his tent with him. I decline. We all go to bed after much more kissing. The next day we don’t talk. He’s shy. I’m shy. Yea yea. We kind of talked recently via text and today when I was going to the ATM to deposit my check this REALLY hot black ford 250 pulled up behind me and I was kinda smiling at the guy through my mirrors and what not. Flirting. Woo. And he honked and me and Cass had a little girly giggle fit. Then, she said I should call Nate, since we were bored. And I was all “Is that who he reminded you of, too?” AND. WELL. My phone rings and it’s Nate, going “What, you’re not going to say hi?” So, I freak out and finally put two and two together and realize it’s him. We pull off and talk and end up going to his place to hang out while he works on his Toyota. Casual talk, mentioning kissing, blah blah. I think I have a thing for him. Shit. Pinky’s not talking to me and I don’t know why. BLAH. |Tell Me A Secret|

[10 May 2006|01:17am] So, I’m sitting her discussing things with Whitney and I found that I have a lot to write about in terms of Jon. I IMed him to ask him opinion about an enhancement part that I’m interested in purchasing for my car to improve my gas mileage and horsepower. At the end he mentioned missing me. And that brought around me knowing that I’d still love to be with him. After my really, really bad night with Nick which left me very uncomfortable, I’d like to stay over with someone I trust with me, who respects me and my wishes. And Jon does. And I miss that. I miss being with him and loving him and being loved by him. I miss waking up and thinking “Wow, I love him. He’s mine.” And all that. I really do. It’s probably just PMS. I keep having little day-dream like flashbacks. I thought back to the 10 day camping trip with him [and Morgan] and I keep thinking about falling asleep in his sleeping bag and waking up with him right there by me and never feeling more content, even despite my second degree sunburn, the lack of adequate warm water showers, and the presence of these weird flies. Or the weekend at my mom’s, friend’s beach house. We watched the stars and listened to the ocean around a large bonfire we made. I got to fall asleep with him and wake up with him, too. It was still great. Really romantic, to be completely cliché. Even camping with his family was nice. We laid together on the boat when everyone else went to sleep [I didn’t get to share a tent with him ): ] and it was just way nice. I just miss having him there. I think. I figure this summer when he’s here we’ll get together, and I’ll think everything’s perfect. I’ll believe him. We’ll spend nights together. And I’ll be in this position this time next year. Blah. |Tell Me A Secret|

[21 Apr 2006|01:22am] [ mood | blah ] I’m having another one of those bad days, or weeks, or whatever. Probably due to PMS since I can’t be bothered with actually taking my pills every day. Fdkjahjl It shouldn’t be that hard to remember, but apparently for me it is. Mum’s right; I am absent minded. I really don’t know where to begin. I suppose I can begin with Blaise (My puppy) biting my ear and pulling out one of my diamond earrings and swallowing it. I’m not so much upset that she did it but more so at how upset I was at her. She’s a puppy, she was just playing. edit Mom found it on the floor, making me really feel bad. I’m really behind in school and despite having Tuesdays and Thursdays off from school I have not made myself sit down and read. I’m so stressed out I’m almost sick and I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I’ve let myself get about 500 pages behind in reading for all of my classes. I’ve missed the first homework assignments in each of my Anthropology classes. I’ve missed classes in general. I have a test on Monday and I am not ready for it. I’d feel so much better if I could make myself read and do my work and just do something productive. I feel like a screw up right now and I’m letting myself down. I can sit here and blame being burnt out on my lack of long breaks between school terms, since I haven’t had a real summer break since the summer between year 10 and year 11, but that’s not an excuse. I’m only taking 9 credits – not even full time – and I’m behind. This is unbelievable. I’m better than this but I feel so weak just from that. If school wasn’t bad enough, I feel ugly, fat, and generally unappealing. I keep saying I’m going to get in shape so that I can feel better about myself and I do good for a day or two with eating right and working out and then I fail and I let myself down and feel even worse. It’s some bad cycle. Mum got some diet pills today, so we’re going to try them this month. I hope they help. I feel really alone. With my friends, with guys, and with my family. My mother, father, and I had a talk about tuition costs and general child support and what not and it didn’t end pretty and I’ve been pretty upset since then. My dad made me feel like a burden; like he was waiting – and hoping – that when I turned 18 his child support and obligation of paying half of my costs to live at home would end or decrease significantly. He hasn’t made me feel all that welcomed or even wanted. And it makes me cry just sitting here thinking about it. With my friends I feel like.. I don’t have any. I have Cassidy and that’s a pretty strong relationship, but even then I feel like there are things between us just waiting to come to head. I never know when she’s telling me the truth or when she’s making up a story. I could go talk to the people in the stories and find out quickly but I think I’m afraid to find out because I have no one else to hang out with. All of my ‘friends’ in high school are long gone. Sara’s too busy with the boyfriend she never would have met if I didn’t introduce them because I wanted him out of my hair. Alyssa moved to Nebraska of all places. I never was one for having a lot of friends, just good ones, but now I don’t even have that, really. AJ’s too busy with his horribly amazing girlfriend and with work over in Eastern Oregon. I can’t blame him for not being here, because I know he would want to be if he could be. He’s a good friend, when he’s around. Jared has become more of a friend than a potential boyfriend (sadly?) and yet there are a lot of things I don’t feel like I can talk to him about. I can talk to AJ about guys because he’s a friend like that. Jared and I talk about our dogs, the bars he goes to, and basic life things. I kind of feel like we’re more like close acquaintances than real friends, and I don’t know how that feels to me. I just feel like I have no one to talk to. And, to top it really all off. The one guy I would give anything to be with lives in Penncilvania and knows we’d never get together (if the location difference wasn’t about, I mean) because he gets bored with people he dates. I’d bore him. And he’s too good for me. And, I’ve fallen for someone online for the first time in over three years. And I’ve fallen really hard. Jon and I don’t talk. After the e-mails back and forth in which he basically said he knew we’d never be together and that he doesn’t think he ever was in love with me I’ve kind of came to terms with never having him in my life. I don’t know how to be just friends with him, and to be quite honest I don’t think that the pain being friends would cause me would be worth having him as a friend. If he didn’t care enough about me to not lead me on and break my heart, again, after it was mending from the first time, I don’t need him as a friend. Though, I haven’t moved on completely, and I do miss him almost always, I’ve realized that despite anything he might say, I will never be with him. We weren’t meant to be, else we would be together, right? A real hug would be really nice right now. Just someone to hold me and tell me that, like always, everything will be okay. Like a Justin hug – but, the Justin is too busy for me. That’s another story and another relationship I managed to fuck up. I feel like that’s all I am and all I do. Fuck things up. And yes. I feel like right now I have every right to be melodramatic. So eff you. |Tell Me A Secret|

EEEEEE. [17 Mar 2006|01:09am] So. I’m really disappointed and frustrated. It’s just been one really hard day, and I’m stressed and tired. And blah! For anyone who actually reads this: please excuse any cursing. I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m on birth control. No I don’t use it to be sexually active. I cramp really bad during my menstrual cycle so I use it to try and calm down the craps. Well, I wasn’t taking them on a good schedule – I’d miss days and what not so I stopped taking them for a month to get all nice and regulated, and it would happen again. And I think I screwed them up by missing days about three times. So, now I’m taking them faithfully and I have been for over seven days now. But now my groin hurts, like where my ovaries would be I think. Like a cramp. So I am wondering if I screwed up my hormones by my mess ups with the pills. So, now I have to go to the gynecologist – which is something I’ve been putting off and trying to avoid! Fantastic. Just how I want to spend an hour of my life; stark naked and being prodded. My mum went in and had surgery today. She had some veins removed from her leg that were clogged (I can’t think of the actual term). So, I spent an hour before she went in, and an hour waiting for her to get out (between then I drove to Cassie’s to get food). And then tonight at 11pm she noticed more swelling and we drove back to Corvallis, to the emergency room, so that another doctor could wrap the top of her thigh up with a bandage and send her home with a $100 co-pay. That was another hour drive and 30 or so minutes inside the hospital. Which sucks. I bought my snowboard this year, finally. I’ve waited three years to have one. I spent $436 on it and I have yet to use it. Cassie and I decided we’d go to Bend this weekend and go snowboarding. I’ve been looking forward to it. I got the days off from work and everything. I was responsible and saved money. For me it would be half of $142 and the lift pass which was like $50 for the day. It wasn’t bad. Add rentals for Cassie and she would need $155. Which to me isn’t that much because I’m responsible and have held down a job for the last year of my life. She hasn’t. But she did sell her horse for $1000 dollars a week ago and she had $500 for it. $300 went to her mom (who wouldn’t give it to her and just get it when she got the second half of the horse money) and she BLEW over $100 in two days on DVDs, CDs, and a fucking coat for her dog that will fit for another goddamned WEEK. So, she flaked out on me and I’m REALLY frustrated. GAHH. I just want to scream it’s that bad. I hate it when people waste MY time. I had someone take a shift for me on Saturday because I thought I would be on a fucking mountain enjoying my new snowboard. Well. Nope. I get to sit at home on my ass because my ‘friend’ was irresponsible and spent money she could have used to go with me. FANTASTIC. And, I ripped my new pants because they’re made shitty. It’s storming outside. AND I STILL HAVEN’T FOUND MY PUPPY! Rawr. |1 Secrets Told | Tell Me A Secret|

I want a boy who: [25 Feb 2006|11:58pm] [ mood | depressed ] • makes me laugh • tickles me even when I tell him not to • would rather cook me a nice dinner than take me out • will watch chick flicks with me without much complaint • finds ways to get me to watch scary movies with him just so I can hide in his arms • looks me in the eyes when he tells me he loves me • can be as much my best friend as my lover • supports my dreams and sees himself in my future • will call our first pet or plant our love pet/plant • humor my perfectionist and anal retentive habits • hold my hand in front of his friends • will call me just to say hello • tells me he loves me even when he knows I already know he does • will be patient with me • will not test my trust with stupid actions • makes funny faces at me just because • sees me in his future • will let me win sometimes • can make me feel like nothing else in the world matters • remembers anniversaries, birthdays, and important holidays • loves me for me • I can be comfortable with while in pjs and with no make up on • makes it his priority to make my pain go away • can talk to me like one of the guys • doesn’t drop his friends for me • I can take home to dad • likes going to the beach to sit under the stars • I can be a dork with • will make me soup when I’m sick • can make me feel like everything is okay |Tell Me A Secret|

I'm emo today, sod off. [29 Jan 2006|02:50am] I feel really off lately. I don’t really know why, but I know what it’s causing me to do. I’ve pushed so many people away lately. Sara is seeing Blake now. I’m not jealous, and that’s the truth. But it is odd, seeing as him and I shared a week long fling that ended badly when I lost interested like I commonly do. And now he’s with one of my best friends and it’s just odd, I think. She’s changed so much, or maybe it’s just me. I don’t see her every day. So I really don’t see things change slowly, I see her once in two weeks and see every change made in those two weeks, so it’s big. Or maybe I’m making up excuses to make it seem like it’s her fault that we’re not hanging out. I don’t really know, but I know that we’ve hung out for three hours in the past two weeks and before we hung out all the time, and I don’t understand what’s happened. But it’s probably me. I don’t see Alyssa at all now that she’s moved to a near by town. It’s just hard, I guess. Cassidy and I still hang out some but I still feel farther from her, too. I feel like I’ve grown apart from everyone here. I feel like I have no one, and I’m pretty sure that’s no ones fault but mine. I’m pushing everyone away and I wish I did know why so that I can change it. I think I’m depressed. When I’m depressed I close into myself. I’m really missing Jon. I mean really. I just want him to be here for good so that I have a shoulder to cry on and someone who makes me laugh and feel like everything is okay. I miss that feeling. I just miss him. I can’t even casually date anymore; it seems like a waste of time for me to date someone and know that I’ll not be with them, because they’re not good enough. They’re not as good as Jon. I wish he was here. The only bright outlook I have is for him to be here this summer, and our camping trip that I hope works out. I go to school, which is fine. I’m doing really good so far this term, which does make me feel at least a little bit better. I made a goal to do my homework and keep on top of things, and so far I’m really working hard to do well. I’m social at school, which keeps me sane for the other hours in which I’m at home or work, lonely and depressed. And I still don’t mind work, but I’m only getting about ten hours a week, which just isn’t cutting it. I want to apply at Dutch Brother’s but I’m really negative about it. Not about the job, but about the possibility of me getting it. The people that work there, the girls namely, have pretty, scene long hair, wear bright colors for clothing and make up, are thin, tan, and a lot of things I’m not. I have a personality that would blow them away, and I know that, but I’ve been really down on myself physically lately, and I’m having a hard time getting through my cover letter, even though my technical writing teacher said she’ll help me make it perfect. If I can get an interview I can get the job, it’s just getting there that’s hard. I’d like to turn in my cover letter and resume (which is awesome, for the record) at the end of February. I hope I can get in shape and just make myself feel better about me. It’s a new goal and I really think that achieving it would improve my confidence right now. Anyway. I should go to bed now, since I managed to pick up a four hour shift tomorrow for work. </3 |Tell Me A Secret|

[16 Jan 2006|05:34pm] [ mood | cranky ] So, I need to vent about trivial online things. Jamie and I will never be friends again. It bothers me right now, but I think I’ll manage. It’s been hard, because we were good friends. We used to be able to hold an entire conversation for hours on end, be it online or over the telephone, and I adored it. He’s such a cool person, so it’s not only his fault, mind you. We’re just not meant to be friends, I don’t think. We can’t even talk about anything other than the site. Even if it starts out with the simple hellos and what not, one of us brings it to the site (the majority of the time, it is me), and we argue about something or other. And I usually end up hurt, because he talks to me like a child and it’s belittling, and I won’t take that. And I don’t think he likes that, either. But either way, I have to accept that he and I wont be close again. It was a good month or so that we were. And I’ll always miss it and secretly wish we could be the same way again. But, I feel, now, that I’ve been working to try and preserve something that’s so broken that it will never again be mended to perfection. [/trivial online bitching] |Tell Me A Secret|

[21 Dec 2005|01:05am] [ mood | geeky ] [ music | Peabody - The Weight Just Right ] So, I’ve been thinking about it, and I really think I’m going to enjoy my career major. I’ve been watching animal planet a lot, like usual, and they have some interesting documentaries and shows (Reptile King is really promising), and I’m really fascinated. I’m actually really anxious to start taking classes that are more hands on. I want to start studying behaviors, and the psychology of wild and captive species of everything from snakes to mammals. It’s all so interesting. Felt like saying that. |Tell Me A Secret|

[11 Dec 2005|03:48am] I need to vent. Lately, when it comes to relationships I have one thing on my mind. Or rather, one person. Jon. He’s been really affectionate lately. I mean, when we go to say good bye he always tacks on the extra “I love you” or something of that nature, and I love it, but it hurts. I want nothing more than to be with him. I just read my post from the first time him and I really hung out since after the break up. When we kissed again, and were in his room. Before he left for Virginia. And I can’t deny that everything felt perfect. I want to feel like nothing in my world is wrong, and I can’t find that in anyone but him. When he holds me nothing else feels screwed up. It’s just us, and I don’t feel alone. Whenever I look around anymore everyone has someone, and I feel like I have no one that’s just.. mine. Alicia finally found someone good enough for her; boys are starting to see that Sara and Alyssa are beautiful young women that are worth more than one fuck and a passing glance; Cassie has some prick that needs to die. But they have someone. Maybe I’ve just been lonely, so these couples are easier for me to see. That’s not to say that there’s no one interested in me. The Army boy still fancies me, only I’m not physically attracted to him, and Joshua, bless him, loves me so much. I just. I’m in love with someone and I can’t seem to change it, even when I try. No one compares to him; no one makes me feel like does. I feel really disconnected from my friends lately. Alyssa lives in Lebanon now, so I don’t see her often. And Sara is such a nice, great person that she has oodles of friends, and I feel really left out of her life. We’ll do little things together, or big things like the show this Friday, but it’s not like it was. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not in high school anymore, or if we’re just growing apart, or what. But I don’t like it. AJ has a new girlfriend, so he apparently doesn’t need me anymore, or so I figure since we haven’t hung out since he found someone else to toil his time with. I just need something solid in my life right now. I’m not finding it in my friends or in a relationship. Hell, my family isn’t even a solid area of my life. I feel so screwed up. My sister has remarried. I have a nine year old step nephew now. He’s a really great kid, too, I just don’t know him well yet. My nieces have a lot of issues from their situations, but I think their lives are finally stabilizing, save for Sammy nearly being kidnapped a few days ago from the soup kitchen (my sister’s new husband and his mother run the local soup kitchen and homeless shelter for the local transients). Mom and her actually spent some time together. Maybe that aspect of life will clear up, but it’s hard to see that happening when it never has before. And to top that off, it just doesn’t feel like Christmas for me. Instead of spending Christmas with my mother, as I have for seventeen years of my life, I’m spending it at my father’s with him and my step mom, and possibly my brother and step brother. And maybe more step family. It just doesn’t feel right. I’m really close to my mom, and not spending this holiday with her doesn’t feel right. I know dad is really looking forward to having me there, since he’s been in Mexico for the Christmases since the divorce, but I’m just not as close to him as I am my mother. And I don’t know anyone there. I kind of feel left out and alone, even in a house with my own father. Everything has managed to simultaneously fall apart. Again. Yippy. |1 Secrets Told | Tell Me A Secret|

[29 Nov 2005|01:47am] It’s one thirty am and I’m awake watching Nick at night when I know I have class at 9:30 tomorrow morning; I haven’t even read the chapter due before class tomorrow. I’ve been meaning to get in shape, eat right so that I feel better, and go through the few boxes left in the back room of my house that I haven’t even looked at since we moved into this house three years ago. Oh, and I probably should clean up my room even if it’s just random clutter and dirty clothes before I do laundry. I feel like I’m letting not only my mother down but myself, I am not doing anything right now that I should be proud of, and it’s making me feel really upset. And I’ve had a lot on my mind on other subjects as of late as well, and I can’t say that I feel any better because of them. If anything it makes me feel weak for being so upset lately. There is only one more normal week of school before finals week, and I feel like I’m burnt out and I haven’t even been working that hard. It’s not like me. I worked so hard and feel like I even made sacrifices to graduate early and yet I’m not taking advantage of it and doing my best. I could be doing so much more. It’s almost depressing. I just hope that when I say I’ll step it up next term that I mean it and will follow through with it. I want to start working out again. There for a while I was really doing it and getting used to it being a part of my daily schedule. I need to start doing it again, after all I’ll be eighteen in March and will be able to go on vacations and camping during the summer and I want to look good. As for other things, I’ve felt really lonely lately. I’ve missed Jon, yes, Jon. Unfortunately. I don’t know if I see him and I ever being together again, even though it seems only right when we’re actually together. I just don’t think that’s what he wants, and I am starting to think that he’s just telling me that to try and make me feel better, which isn’t right either, if he can’t be honest with me. But oh well, I can’t make him talk to me and tell me the truth. I hung out with Joshua on Saturday, and he is really sweet and great and all that, but I need to get to know him more in person, and the distance makes me not want to be with him seriously. It’s just hard to say. But I do think that a stable relationship would do me some good right now, it’s just finding someone that I want to be with that makes it difficult. |Tell Me A Secret|

[18 Nov 2005|03:28am] Went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire just tonight! Overall I was thoroughly impressed. But, with all things there are some things I personally would have liked to have seen more of or seen at all. So. I plan to go through my personal feelings on it all, be them good or bad. (  Spoilers for the movies, you have been warned.  ) |2 Secrets Tolds | Tell Me A Secret|

[30 Oct 2005|12:29pm] ( Dumb Survey ) |Tell Me A Secret|

[30 Oct 2005|11:52am] |Tell Me A Secret|

[29 Oct 2005|12:44am] Ah. So. I like this guy. But things are complicated for a few reasons. But mostly one big one. I am seventeen. I wont be eighteen until March 12th. Jared is twenty two. He will be twenty three on March 5th. See the problem there? He’s not trying to get in my pants, or at least he’s not yet. And he’s so nice and polite and respectful. He said he likes my innocence, said it’s hard to find anymore. Mom’s rule is twenty and under until I’m eighteen. That would be the other problem. I like the way he makes me feel. It doesn’t feel like there’s a five year gap between us. He treats me just like he would anyone else – if not a hell of a lot better. I met him over a year ago through friends I still have that I met through Cassidy. I instantly had a girlish “oh! He’s cute!” meaningless crush on him. I started talking to him in like September and now we’re hanging out almost on a regular basis. He lives right down the street so it’s really convenient. I never would have expected to be hanging out with him for long periods of time, alone. He seems to like me too; else I really doubt he would have kissed me the other night. It was so cute. We were bickering (he cracks age jokes, so I call him a pedophile, things like that) and he leaned down (my head was on his pillow and he was propped up on an arm while we were watching iRobot) and kissed me. It was almost too innocent and cute. It’s hard to see the age difference when the man texts me messages like “come cuddle” and what not. It’s just so cute. At the same time Jon and I had a talk and it’s all confusing. And I really like Jared, so it’s just a mess. I haven’t like anyone for more than a few days since Jon, so it’s kind of scary. Normally we’ll go on a few dates and it’ll either feel weird or not right, or he’ll start talking about a serious relationship and scare me off. And I can’t stop thinking about Jared. Le sigh. |Tell Me A Secret|

[10 Oct 2005|06:01pm] It took a while before I was able to go days without crying over you, and I would be lying if I said it hasn’t been hard to get to that point. Some days were shaky, but my eyes have been dry for a while now, and so far I’m sure I can continue on this path. I miss you, every day of my life, but I’m finding ways to dull that feeling and surround it by new ones that don’t hurt like that. Some days I have to smile and tell myself that I’m okay without you in my life, in any form, and although most of the time it is a blatant lie, I can make myself believe it. And it helps. If it gets me through another day, another beautiful day of my life, then I’m willing to go on pretending that everything is wonderful. Occasionally I’ll look at pictures, you remember, the fuzzy ones of you and I. The only pictures of you and I. And I’ll get a ping of sadness but I’ll be able to smile and thank God for every moment I blessed with in which I had such a great person in my life. I’ve done a lot of thinking and growing in a mere few weeks, however dismal that amount of time is in the big scheme of things, but I have. And I have come to the conclusion that I’m actually happy, in some way, for you. For everything you have going on for you right now. If she makes you happy then I am thankful that you were able to find someone that makes you feel the way you made me feel, and still do on occasion. That girl in your life isn’t me, but she must be something special if you care about her, and therefore I’m happy for you. My heart is mending now. There are people around me that are picking up the pieces and sticking them back together in their own, different ways, and I’m lucky to have them. You might not be one of the people that has helped put it back together, but when it is back together, it’s unique shape will have been created from the time I spent with you. You left a mark on my heart, my youth, and my life, and I will never forget that. We are young and no one knows where our paths will go, but no matter what I wants yours to be smooth and I want you to have a great time; I hope that you can find that same wish for me sometime. I have, and even though it hurts to know that our paths aren’t crossing right now, I can manage. I know I’ll see you again. We’ll smile and catch up on old times, and maybe even be able to reminisce about the past. The past that holds some of my fondest memories. But until then we’ll give an occasional thought to ourselves about each other, and smile. But for me, this is my last goodbye. |2 Secrets Tolds | Tell Me A Secret|

[04 Oct 2005|02:17am] I need to write. I have this thing on my mind right now that it’s keeping me up, I think. It’s now 2:09 am and I have a class at 8 am. And I’m not tired at all. Jon has a girlfriend. I didn’t find out through him though, I found out on my own because of how many comments, and their words, she had posted on his myspace. I was bitter and upset and a mess Friday night when I found out and wrote him a very short message there, as well as a text. I had to work the next day. When I got off work, and on my way to pick up Sara because we went to see The Corpse Bride, I called him. And we talked. And I felt better. He said that it just happened and he doesn’t know anything right now. Things like that. So I felt better. But I’m still upset and almost angry. I feel really toyed with. I feel hurt. I feel used. She knows that there was someone or something from back home that was causing him some internal conflicts, and I don’t know if it’s me or that Jalechia person he was with for like a week. I’d like it to be me, but at the same time apparently, according to her blogs, he told her there was nothing to worry about and that he was dealing with it. I’m so confused. I feel like he’s playing her, and ME and feeding us lines about how we’re the only ones he’s thinking about. And all this and damn it I’m so confused. I want to know. I need to know. I wont wait forever, regardless of what you all might think, or what I even think. I understand that there are 3000 miles between us and I can deal with that. Seeing other people was inevitable, but that doesn’t mean we have to rush into another RELATIONSHIP. Sure I have a crush on a kid in my biology class, but it’s innocent and just for fun. It’s not a “Lets meet, talk for a week, and date.” I mean, c’mon. She’s like obsessed. [if you’re not in the mood to hear someone bitch please stop reading now] She posts comments about loving him and crap, and yet they’ve been together for like a week. And missing him. And thinking they’ll be together for a long time. She’s sixteen, ugly, and obsessed. It’s annoying. And yet I’m jealous of her. I know I’m so much more than her, I can just tell from reading her blogs and profile. But I’m jealous because she’s there and I’m here. And it’s not fair. I lose a year of my teenage life dwelling on him as my friend and more. And I get a week of spending evenings with him and she gets to be in his city. I get told that I’m loved and yet that’s it. And I only get told it when there’s something wrong and he has something to make up. It’s like he uses it to try and sooth me. I want him to use it because he has an urge to tell me he loves me, and misses me, and wishes he could spend every waking moment of the rest of his life with me. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Yea. I’m done for now. And no, I don’t feel better. |Tell Me A Secret|

[01 Oct 2005|01:02am] I hate him. Or at least it wouldn't hurt as bad if I did. |Tell Me A Secret|

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]